How can I make my long distance relationship work?

What are some helpful tips you can give to someone trying to make a long distance relationship work?

A lot of advice for making long distance relationships work is the same as advice for making all relationships work, but long distance relationship often exacerbate stress, making it more important to foresee and deal with problems.

First, figure out what you need and want from each other. How often do you need to be in touch? Do you need to hear their voice every day? Are you remaining monogamous? Are you going to get horribly jealous if they hang out with friends of the opposite sex? Do you feel like you need to know where they are all the time? Do you need to know everything going on in your absence?

Then, figure out what it’s possible for you to give each other. Compromise. Needing to know where someone is all the time and getting jealous if they hang out with friends of the opposite sex probably isn’t reasonable. Wanting to talk every day on the phone might be. Try to be generous with your time but considerate of theirs: remember that they need to sleep and eat, get their work done, and socialize with others.

Mutual trust is also important. It’s not healthy even when you’re together, but it’s impossible to keep perfect track of someone when you’re apart. Of course, being trustful goes along with being trustworthy. You shouldn’t do things you always shouldn’t do, like cheat or lie.

But you should also try not to give your partner any reason to worry. If you tell them you’ll call at a certain time, call them then. If who you’re hanging out with changes unexpectedly, tell them before it slips out.

Both partners should understand that things change over time. Expecting that your partner will not change at all when you are gone is unrealistic. When you’re apart, you both may make new friends, develop new habits, or speak somewhat differently.

Skype is also a wonderful thing. Skype is a voice (and video) chat program you can download for free. If you both have microphones and internet, you can call each other for free. If only one of you has Skype, you can also call land lines for rather cheap. Waiit.com is also a resource for people in long distance relationships.

Recommendations: A long distance relationship survival guide, webcams, and a general book on college relationships.

What are alternative menstrual products?

What are alternative menstrual products?

Many people find tampons and disposable pads uncomfortable. Some have allergies to chemicals used in the manufacturing process while others are worried about toxic shock syndrome (associated with tampons, not pads). Many are bothered by the drying caused by tampons and the diaper feeling of wearing a pad.

Others have no problems like these but are concerned with the environmental waste produced by the manufacture and disposal of tampons and pads. Disposable pads and tampons are also expensive over time. But several alternatives are available.

Cloth pads look a lot like disposable pads, but can be washed and reused. They are made from soft, absorbent materials, and usually backed with a water resistant material to prevent leaks. Wearing a cloth pad can still feel bulky, but because they are not plastic, they do not feel like diapers. Most people find that cloth pads do not smell as strongly as disposable pads while remaining just as absorbent.

Many people are discouraged by the extra care required. To keep pads unstained, they should be soaked in cold water after use, but they can then be thrown in a washing machine and dried in a drier. If staining is not a concern, they can go straight in the washing machine.

Many people on www.etsy.com sell pads in a variety of cute patterns for a few dollars each. Though this costs more at first, cloth pads usually last for several years, so they end up costing significantly less than disposable pads. Alternately, you could make some with scraps of fabric for free. The internet is full of patterns.

Sea sponge tampons are essentially reusable tampons. A sponge is inserted into the vagina, left for several hours, removed, rinsed out, and reinserted. Boiling at the end of a cycle kills bacteria. They typically last about six months before needing to be replaced. They’re usually sold in packs of two for $10 to $15 each, and can be purchased online. Some people have gotten toxic shock syndrome with sea sponge tampons.

A menstrual cup is a bell-shaped silicone or rubber cup which is inserted into the vagina and catches menstrual blood. It holds approximately 20mL of fluid, where the average woman loses 35mL of fluid during an entire period. It is recommended that the menstrual cup be emptied and cleaned every twelve hours, and most people do not need to empty it more frequently than that. DivaCup is a popular silicone cup in the United States.

Menstrual cups are not absorbent, so they do not cause a dry feeling, and can be inserted in anticipation of a period without causing discomfort. No cases of menstrual cups causing toxic shock syndrome have ever been reported.

Menstrual cups have a circumference of approximately two inches, and while they are folded smaller for insertion, women who are not sexually active may have a difficult time. Also, menstrual cups don’t come with applicators, so insertion requires that you put your fingers in your vagina while menstruating, which some women aren’t okay with.

Menstrual cups cost $30 and last for about ten years if properly cared for, making them very cost effective. A number of other cups are available, so it might be worth doing some research. Cups also all come in sizes for women who have given birth and women who haven’t, something to pay attention to when purchasing one.

Health food stores and co-ops that carry environmentally friendly and new age products may be likely to have these kinds of products, though their prices are sometimes very expensive.

Recommendations: Three alternative menstrual products, all reusable and all available from amazon.

What’s gender-neutral housing?

What’s gender-neutral housing?

Everyone wants to live with people they feel comfortable with. Sometimes that means living with people of different genders.

Gender-neutral housing options provide students with choices for housing that aren’t based on gender. Such options, increasing at colleges across the country, can help everyone find the housing they find most comfortable, but are particularly important for intersex, transgender, and genderqueer students who feel uncomfortable being paired by gender. Gay students may also appreciate options that allow them to choose roommates they are less likely to be attracted to.

Gender-neutral housing options can mean a number of things, and increasing such options isn’t just about what options are available on a campus, but how they are made available and who they are made available to, like whether there is a bureaucratic petition process for exceptions to policies or if options are limited to returning students.

Increasing gender-neutral options can mean a number of things. It can mean allowing students to choose roommates of a different gender or allowing students to choose to be randomly assigned roommates without consideration of gender. It can also mean making mixed-gender halls and dorms available to students, even if rooms remain single-gender.

Other options are not strictly “gender-neutral,” but have similar affects for making college campuses more comfortable for all students. One option like this is guaranteeing the availability of singles to students who feel uncomfortable being paired by gender. Another is allowing students who identify as neither male nor female to pair with each other, rather than trying to lump such students into these groups.

Traditional housing options create a division between male and female which is not only a disservice to anyone who doesn’t want to be divided, but marginalizing to those who fall outside the division, like students who are intersex, transgender, or genderqueer. Creating gender-neutral options is an important step in making colleges welcoming, safe, and comfortable for such students. Housing policies should reflect schools’ commitments to diversity by being inclusive of everyone.

Increasing gender-neutral options doesn’t mean forcing anyone into a housing situation they are uncomfortable with. Gender-neutral options can remain entirely voluntary. Students who want to live with a particular student of the same gender or be randomly assigned a roommate of the same gender can still be given these options and single-gender dorms and halls can be preserved.

Gender-neutral housing options are being adopted by many colleges, spreading from schools like Bennington and Oberlin to more than 30 campuses across the country, now including Bard, the University of Pennsylvania, Skidmore, Oregon State, and Stanford. These changes have come after student-lead campaigns on campus.

Some general information about gender neutral options is available from the National Student Genderblind Campaign at genderblind.org. Their research on the gender-neutral options available at other colleges is available at http://genderblind.org/research.pdf. A couple articles about Stanford’s program are available at http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2008/april9/gender-040908.html and www.stanforddaily.com/cgi-bin/?p=533.

Recommendations: Three books on gender deviance, intersexuality, and genderqueer.

How should I deal with coursework about sex screwing with my head?

My reading for class is screwing with my head. The sexual feats in myths are making me feel inadequate and Freud is making me feel weird about everything.

College students often face problems like these. Medical students worry they have every disease, philosophy students have existential crises, and literature students start to think its appropriate to describe parts of their lives as Kafkaesque. Doing readings about sex and relationships can have similar affects.

You should work on building up some distance between yourself and the reading you’re doing for class. Keep in mind that what you read isn’t the only point of view and get involved in activities that remind you there’s a real world all around you. Try to mix your reading for class with some pleasure reading.

You should also make friends with some kids from other disciplines who can tell you that the things you are worrying about are stupid and some friends from older classes who can empathize with you and tell you how they got through the same readings.

But if you continue struggling with feelings of inadequacy and confusion, you should also consider finding someone to talk to (like a friend, a parent, a resistant assistant or director, health services, or a therapist) about any deeper issues you could have.

Recommendations: Two general books on relationships and sex for college students.

How would one get into the practice of tantric yoga?

How would one get into the practice of tantric yoga?

If you’ve got lots of money, there are workshops and retreats, which the internet can help you find. If you’re under eighteen though, you might not be able to sign up for some of them.

If you’ve got lots of patience and self discipline, you could buy a book, though many of them may be too theoretical to be very helpful. Youtube has some brief instructional videos and exercises you could watch and follow along with. It’s free and easy, but the quality of instruction may not be as good or consistent as classes.

We’re assuming, since you sent this question to a sex column, that you’re looking into tantric yoga for its sexual benefits. Any yoga class might help you to be more aware of what’s going on in your body. If you can achieve a similar state of concentration toward pleasurable sensations, they may become a lot more pleasurable.

A lot of people associate tantric yoga with delayed orgasms that are intense and long lasting. A very simple way to work toward more intense and controlled orgasms is to stop stimulation when you feel very close to orgasm, wait a few minutes, and then resume. Doing this repeatedly can help you build up to more intense orgasms, show you how much control you have, and teach you to be more aware of other parts of your body when you’re aroused.

Taking slow, deep breaths as you get closer to orgasm gets the rest of your body involved, which usually makes for more intense orgasms. You may be able to achieve what you’re looking for in tantric yoga without it.

Recommendations: Two books about tantric yoga and one book about how couples can learn to have more pleasurable orgasms.

What is an air embolism and how can it be prevented?

What is an air embolism and how can it be prevented?

An air embolism is a condition in which an air bubble gets into the blood stream. This can happen very rarely during medical procedures, and can be fatal if a large bubble reaches the heart, but usually doesn’t cause any problems. Under most circumstances, it’s something that only SCUBA divers need to worry about.

Relevant to sex, pregnant women are warned not to let their partners blow large amounts of air into their vaginas during oral sex. This can very rarely cause an air embolism because there is a lot more blood in the vessels around the reproductive organs during pregnancy, and if the pressure of air in the vagina is higher than that in the blood vessels, air can sometimes enter the vessels.

Vaginal penetration and oral sex don’t put you at risk for an air embolism, whether you’re pregnant or not. If you’re very paranoid, don’t let your partner blow air into your vagina (normal breathing is fine), but really this isn’t something you should worry about.

Recommendations: Two general books about sex and safer sex.

What is the effect of Viagra for women?

What is the effect of Viagra for women?

Some studies have been done to evaluate whether Viagra might have positive sexual effects on women the way it does on men, but results haven’t been promising. When a woman takes Viagra, she may experience some of the side effects of the drug (headache, skin flushing, blurred vision), which occur because it causes some general dilation of blood vessels, but she will not experience improved clitoral erection.

As mentioned in the section on antidepressants and sexual anhedonia, some prescription drugs can be used to improve sexual function in people who experience sexual side effects from antidepressants. Some studies have found that Viagra may be helpful for this purpose in both men and women, although this is still an off-label use of the drug (the drug is not approved by the FDA for this purpose, but doctors may recommend it because there is preliminary evidence that it may be helpful). If you’re considering taking Viagra and you don’t have a prescription for it, please be aware that it interacts dangerously with a number of prescription and recreational drugs.

Are male enhacement products safe?

Is it safe to take Longitude or other male enhancement products?

In short, no.

“Male enhancement” pills are not tested for safety, nor are they tested for effectiveness. Analyses that have been done of pills like this have found mold, E. coli, lead, and fecal matter from animals that graze where the herbs are grown. Is it worth eating that?

Perhaps more importantly, there’s no reason for which anyone should be taking such pills. At most, medications can make it easier to get an erection, and if you’re having frequent trouble with that, you should get yourself to your college’s health services office or a doctor to make sure nothing’s physically or psychologically wrong with you.

But these supplements don’t advertise better erections, they advertise a larger penis. Nothing short of surgery will make your penis bigger, and even that doesn’t tend to work very well. Longitude isn’t being made anymore, but we don’t recommend that you try any male enhancement pills or devices.

Drugs like Viagra are used to treat erectile dysfunction, but are not considered to be male enhancement products. They probably won’t help your erection if you’re young, and can cause unpleasant side effects like bad headaches.

There are a couple things that should make you worry less about length though. Studies where erection has been clinically induced and measured by health care professionals have found an average penis length of just over 5 inches, which is much smaller than averages obtained through self-reported data. Given that the first couple of inches of the vagina are the most sensitive and that the prostate gland is just a couple of inches into the rectum a big penis is unnecessary for purposes of physical stimulation.

Recommendations: A general sex book that can help anyone improve their sex life, regardless of their physical endowments, and something that could help with size issues.

What should I do about sexual side-effects of antidepressants?

My psychiatrist suggests that I try antidepressants, but sexual anhedonia is not one of my depression symptoms, and I am reluctant to risk losing my sex drive. Are there any antidepressants with lower rates of sexual side effects, or, alternatively, supplements or additional medications I can take to mitigate the effects?

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are some of the most effective drugs for treating depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and eating disorders. Unfortunately, they have a high incidence of sexual side effects like decreased sex drive and trouble reaching orgasm.

Fewer than half of people taking SSRIs report sexual side effects, so there is certainly no guarantee that you will have a problem. Side effects of antidepressants are often worst during the first few weeks, and sometimes sexual side effects will clear up entirely after this time. If this doesn’t happen, sexual side effects almost always resolve within days of stopping the medication, so if your psychiatrist believes that an SSRI is the best drug to treat your depression, it is probably worth a try.

If you’ve had a problem with sexual side effects on an SSRI, you should talk to your psychiatrist. There are a few antidepressants which are unlikely to cause sexual side effects, the best known of which is probably bupropion (Wellbutrin).

These drugs do not have sexual side effects because they do not inhibit the reuptake of serotonin. This might also make them less effective, depending on what is causing your depression. They also have different counter-indications (Wellbutrin, for example, lowers seizure threshold, so it is not usually prescribed to patients who may be prone to having seizures).

If SSRIs are the only class of antidepressant you can take or the only class that is effective for you, there are a handful of medications which are sometimes used to try to eliminate sexual side effects. They are all available by prescription only, and all have their own risks and side effects, so a doctor needs to help you evaluate if one of these might be an option for you.

One study found that ginkgo biloba, often sold as a tea or herbal supplement for improving memory (a use which has not held up well in studies), effectively treated sexual side effects caused by SSRIs in a number of patients.

Why this should work is not understood, but ginkgo is available without a prescription, and is unlikely to cause undesirable side effects at low doses, so it may be worth trying. If you’re taking any other medications, it would be a good idea to ask a pharmacist if ginkgo could interact with the other drug.

Recommendations: Two general guides to sex and college sex and relationships.

Is bestiality wrong?

What about bestiality?

While some people hold that it is oppressive, to both animals and people, to not condone their mating, and others hold that having sex with an animal is not as bad as killing it for meat or fur, most agree that bestiality is inappropriate because the animal can never consent.

Recommendations: A book on bestiality.