How can we pleasurably arrange a foursome?

My partner and I and two friends have decided to try a four-some. How can we keep it interesting and pleasurable for all involved and keep it from turning into a voyeuristic partner swap? Should we have 3 people focus on pleasuring 1 and switch places? Or should we try to arrange it in such a way that everyone is giving and receiving stimulation at once? Or should I ditch my partner and go for a threesome?

Since it sounds like you’re primarily interested in some practical ideas about the activities, we’ll try to keep warnings about being careful with how this could affect you emotionally to a minimum. But since it has a direct effect on what activities are on the table, a quick word: ahead of time, make sure you’re on the same page as your partner about expectations, interests and limitations, and then make sure you’re both on the same page as your friends.

Unless the others are deferring to your lead, what you do will depend a lot on what everyone else is interested in, which could, of course, depend on their sexes and sexual orientations. Regardless, there are plenty of options.

Before you can start figuring out how to position all your bodies, though, it’s likely you’ll need everyone to loosen up a bit. You might have everyone take off their clothes as soon as they come in or take turns undressing each other. You also might have everyone rub each other’s backs or cuddle. Games like strip poker or spin the bottle might help.

As you move on to heavier activity, make sure you’re practicing safer sex (particularly, anything that changes orifices should get a fresh condom each time). Even if you want to do more, don’t rule out voyeuristic partner swapping. Voyeurism, exhibitionism, and the chance to have sex with someone new are three major attractions of group sex. You would also take a strong divide from traditional partner swapping if everyone was interested in having sex with both partners of the other couple.

Your other ideas are also good places to start. Giving each person a chance to be the focus of everyone else’s attentions could be a lot of fun, though certainly intense. A popular way to have everyone giving and receiving pleasure is a “daisy chain” in which people receive and perform oral sex in a circle. This works well if you have two heterosexual couples. You could also be interested in multiple penetration or other combinations.

The number of ways you can pleasurably arrange your bodies is limited only by your imaginations. While you might want to work out something more specific ahead of time, you could also let activities develop more freeform, with everyone following where the moment takes them. If people communicate what they’d like to do to each other and like done to them, you could work out the elaborate positioning to match. Particularly as some of you take breaks, out of fatigue or to watch or masturbate, you should have a chance to try out some different things.

There’s no reason to assume a threesome will be more fun or have easier dynamics to work with. If you enjoy the foursome, a threesome would probably be fun and interesting too, and if the foursome doesn’t work out, arranging a threesome might be easier. But ditching your partner is never nice (though doing something without them with courtesy and their consent is different).

Recommendations: Three books about having sex with more than one person – Together Sex is more about swinging, The Ethical Slut is more about polyamory, and Sex Parties 101 is more about sex parties.

Can I ask a couple for a threesome?

I’ve heard of couples asking someone else to participate in a threesome, but could an individual approach a couple?

There are some natural reasons that a couple approaching another individual probably happens more frequently. The couple already shares an emotional and sexual intimacy, and together they’ve already agreed they are interested before they ask the third person, making it more likely that this situation will result in all parties agreeing. One person approaching a couple could also be more likely to be seen as a threat.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Asking could be awkward, and could have negative social effects, but that doesn’t stop people from asking for many other sexual things.

Recommendations: These three books are all about the having sex with one person – while The Threesome Handbook focuses on threesomes, the others two focus on polyamory and swinging.

How should I ask for a threesome?

What is the best way to ask for a threesome?

The difficult thing about asking for a threesome is that you have to ask at least two people.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, you should approach them first, see if they are interested, and then consider possible third parties. You should agree on third parties before you start seeing if they are interested, to keep things as simple as possible.

If you’re not in a relationship, you should carefully choose who you want to approach first. If the first person who agrees is picky, or isn’t appealing to potential thirds, it might be difficult to find a working group, or to politely leave the first person behind for another set. It might be simpler to approach both people at once, but it might also be more uncomfortable.

Asking people to do anything sexual can always be awkward. You can try to do it straightforwardly, but there’s no guarantee it won’t be weird afterwards, particularly if they say no. Some subtlety can help. Try to at least figure out whether they’d participate in any threesomes, or whether they’d have sex at all, before asking them to participate in something particular.

Participating in a threesome, of course, can also strain a relationship.

Recommendations: One book about threesomes, one book about polyamory, and one general book about college sex and relationships.