How do I bring up sex toys with my partner?

What is the best way to broach the possibility of toy play with your mate?

You should try to think of your kinks as perks rather than things that your partner needs to tolerate and to bring up to your partner in this light. You should also keep in mind that toys generally aren’t particularly weird, as far as sexual interests go, though interest in some particular toys may be a little less common.

You should try to just bring it up (“How do you feel about sex toys?”), try to find some way to bring it up casually in conversation if you can’t bring it up upfront (“Have you seen this vibrator that plugs in to an iPod and goes with the rhythm?… Doesn’t that sound like fun?”), and try to broach the subject more generally before you talk about it more specifically (“Would you use sex toys?” before “I have handcuffs in my dresser!”).

If you already have a sex toy, you could always just pull it out some time, but that’s probably more likely to put off your partner if they’re not into the idea, so be cautious with that approach.

Recommendations: A couple of sex toys you could try (there is a huge variety of sex toys available just from amazon) and a basic guide to sex toys.

What should I do with old sex toys?

I’m moving on to a new sexual partner, and I’m not sure how to deal with my old sex toys. I imagine that the whips, crops, and restraints should be fine (if a bit awkward to introduce to my new partner), but what about other, penetrative toys?

Most of your old penetrative sex toys should be safe to use as long as they are properly cleaned, as they should be after each use and between uses in different orifices. Toys can be kept clean with condoms or rinsed in warm water with antibacterial soap. If electronic, this rinse should be done carefully. Non-electronic silicone and glass toys can also be boiled for two minutes or run through the dishwasher.

Rubber, latex, and jelly toys, however, are more porous, so even using a condom or careful cleaning won’t ensure these toys are safe to use with multiple partners. It’s cheaper and nicer to buy a new toy than to deal with treating an STI.

Your new sexual partner might also not be comfortable using your old sex toys, either out of concerns for their safety or because it would remind them of your previous partners in ways they’re uncomfortable with. In some respects, the simplest thing to do is talk to them, tell them anything they want to know about previous use, and see how they feel.

If your new partner knows you’ve had previous partners and you don’t introduce the old toys as if they were new (though a delay in admitting or showing that you own sex toys could mislead them), it would be flawed for them to assume you have not used your toys with previous partners, though it might still lead to an awkward revelation later. Of course, pretending they are new also solves the immediate problem, although it also creates a new one.

Regardless of your new partner, though, there’s no reason not to hang on to your old sex toys, perhaps for use with a future partner, but at least for use with yourself.

Recommendations: A few new sex toys you might get – even if you keep your your old ones, there are always new toys to try.

How should I choose my first vibrator or dildo?

I’m about to be 18, and I think I’d like to buy a vibrator or a dildo. Do you have any suggestions for a good starter? Is it safe to buy one online? Where would you recommend purchasing it? Anything else I should know?

Different kinds of stimulation feel good to different people. If you masturbate or have sex, you probably have some idea of what you like best, which should help you figure out what to look for. Vibrators and dildos can be expensive, so many people start with something relatively inexpensive and simple.

If you know you really enjoy clitoral stimulation, an “egg” of “bullet” vibrator might be a good place to start. If you like penetration, a traditional dildo or a penis-shaped vibrator might be better. Since the vibrator can be turned off and used as a regular dildo, it is the more versatile option. Many sites have recommendations for first time buyers, which are usually simple, small, gentle, and easy to operate toys that have sold well.

There are also vibrators that provide simultaneous penetrative and clitoral stimulation (“dual-action” or “rabbit” vibrators), g-spot vibrators, vibrators that have many different speeds, vibrators that have rotating parts, waterproof vibrators, and vibrators with various combinations of these traits. Fancier vibrators that don’t break quickly tend to be more expensive. As you figure out what feels best to you, it may make sense to invest in a nicer product that fits your preferences.

It is generally perfectly safe to buy sex toys online. There are some precautions that should always be taken when ordering something online that may be particularly important when ordering sex toys. Make sure the site has a good privacy policy (it’s good if it’s reviewed by TRUSTe) and check if the site is verified by a service like VeriSign or rated by a site like BizRate. Endorsements from well-known magazines or sex advice websites are also a good sign that a site is legitimate.

There are tons of good sex toy websites, including babeland.com and mypleasure.com. Amazon.com sells some sex toys, as do some well known drugstore websites, like drugstore.com, though they have a smaller selection than specialty stores. It’s nice to use sites that have rating systems for sex toys. Look for highly rated toys and see if people describe what you’re looking for in their reviews.

As a college student, you should try to take into account how much noise it might make if you buy a vibrator. Many vibrators are loud enough to be heard through dorm room walls. This is something that is often mentioned in product reviews, and some sites specifically rate noise for each product. No vibrator is silent, but it will probably pay to look for one that’s not notoriously loud.

Recommendations: Three vibrators you might try, including a bullet vibrator and a rabbit vibrator.