How can we convince our parents to let us share a room?

Break is coming up and my boyfriend is going to come home with me. We stay over in each others’ rooms at school nearly every night, so I want him to just stay in my room when we’re at my house. My parents have different ideas. How can I talk to them about this?

If you haven’t told them you already sleep together most of the time, that might change the way they look at things. But it might just mean they get mad and tell you that you shouldn’t be doing that even when they’re not there to stop you. You’ll have to guess how your parents will respond.

Explaining that you’re in college and that you need to be responsible for these kinds of decisions could be helpful, though it’s easy for them to counter with something like “I can’t control you when you’re not in my house, but you have to follow my rules when you’re under my roof.”

If your parents would be okay with it if you weren’t straight, you might be able to convince them their rules are silly by asking them how they would respond to boys and girls coming to visit if you were gay or bi. Not letting your friends of the same sex stay in your room because you’re attracted to them might seem more clearly unfair to your parents and help convince them to let this friend stay in your room even though you are attracted to him. If your parents say their policies would change depending on your sexual preference, you can point out that this doesn’t encourage you to be very open with them. You might also ask how they would respond to trans guests or, if they cite the possible of pregnancy as a determining factor, guests who are infertile. Even if they acknowledge that there reasoning doesn’t make perfect sense, though, it might not get you anywhere.

Unfortunately, you might just not be able to change their minds. There’s two ways to deal with that. First, you could go along with their decision. Maybe being mature about their decision, and perhaps a little persistent about discussing it, will encourage them to make a different decision in the future. Alternatively, you could just totally ignore them. Depending on your parents, they might just back down, but again, you’ll have to guess about that.

Recommendations: A book about living with someone you’re having sex with, and a book for parents on talking to teens about all kinds of issues related to sex and relationships.

Where can we have sex?

My girlfriend and I go to a school where we’re not allowed in each others’ dorms. Any ideas where we should have sex?

You might, of course, be able to get away with breaking the rules and just having sex in each others’ rooms. It’s possible that some of the people who are supposed to enforce those rules really don’t even care, though it’s always polite to make it as easy as possible for those overlooking rule-breaking by being discreet and giving them less rule-breaking that needs to be overlooked.

It also depends on what the consequences are for getting caught, since if you do break the rules consistently it’s entirely possible you’ll get caught at least a couple of times. If the consequences for getting caught up to a few times are tolerable, you can break the rules until the consequences for getting caught would be worse and then stop breaking the rules.

Of course, that assumes you don’t have respect for the rules, which you very well might, though your question does imply that you probably at least don’t care much for the spirit of those rules. Regardless, you’ve got some other options.

If the rules only apply to some people, like younger students, you might be able to borrow someone else’s room occasionally. You might also be able to rent a room in a local motel, though that is pretty costly and might only be a reasonable thing to do for a very special occasion. If either of your parents live near by, you might be able to take more weekend trips home, though your parents’ rules might not be any better than your school’s.

There are still a couple of other options too. You might take to having sex outside, particularly if you live somewhere with a warm climate. It might take some getting used to, but some people enjoy it a lot. You might also learn to have sex in public places, though if you’re intent isn’t exhibitionism, you’ll want to look for places like abandoned study lounges and dark corners of the library. You can get pretty sexual while staying pretty discreet with some clever positioning (like having a girl in a skirt sit on a boy’s lap) and a little bit of forethought (like cuddling under a blanket while you watch a movie).

Recommendations: Some books about having sex outside and having sex in public places, and a book that might give you some ideas for positions that won’t draw attention to yourselves (and maybe some other fun ideas too).

I have a huge crush on my roommate, what should I do?

I have a huge crush on my roommate, what should I do?

If you know that a relationship between you and your roommate is not a possibility (they are in a monogamous relationship, you are of a gender—or any other category—that they are not attracted to, you know you would not be able to handle that situation, or you’ve actually discussed it), then it’s a no-win situation that you’re just looking to make the best of.

If they don’t know, it’s rather unlikely telling them would do anything productive, unless you two are ridiculously committed to having an honest friendship or you know that they’d take it well and it would really help if you could explain why you need them to stop changing in front of you. Aside from not making it worse though, there’s not much productive you can do except patiently waiting it out.

You can try to find someone else to be attracted to, you can avoid anything particular that sets your feelings off, and you can try to put a little more distance between you and your roommate (though you shouldn’t blow them off if they’re your friend). If it’s really terrible, you could talk to an residence director and see if that’s a good enough reason to switch rooms, though then it might be hard to avoid telling your roommate what’s going on.

If a relationship is a possibility, your prospects still aren’t that great. Prying a bit without saying anything could prove that it’s not a possibility, avoiding some strife and maybe helping you get over it. Otherwise, you could not tell them, and keep suffering, or tell them, and likely just make everything awkward.

There are two possible positive solutions, though. First, they could tell you they’re not interested, but take it well, and then maybe your crush will fade. Or they could tell you the feel the same way, and you could have a wonderfully convenient relationship. But even if they do reciprocate, that’s no guarantee things will be great. Inadvertently jumping to the room-sharing phase of a relationship could make things complicated.

Recommendations: A book about living with someone you’re in a relationship with (if it might come to that) and two general guides to sex and relationships in college.

What’s gender-neutral housing?

What’s gender-neutral housing?

Everyone wants to live with people they feel comfortable with. Sometimes that means living with people of different genders.

Gender-neutral housing options provide students with choices for housing that aren’t based on gender. Such options, increasing at colleges across the country, can help everyone find the housing they find most comfortable, but are particularly important for intersex, transgender, and genderqueer students who feel uncomfortable being paired by gender. Gay students may also appreciate options that allow them to choose roommates they are less likely to be attracted to.

Gender-neutral housing options can mean a number of things, and increasing such options isn’t just about what options are available on a campus, but how they are made available and who they are made available to, like whether there is a bureaucratic petition process for exceptions to policies or if options are limited to returning students.

Increasing gender-neutral options can mean a number of things. It can mean allowing students to choose roommates of a different gender or allowing students to choose to be randomly assigned roommates without consideration of gender. It can also mean making mixed-gender halls and dorms available to students, even if rooms remain single-gender.

Other options are not strictly “gender-neutral,” but have similar affects for making college campuses more comfortable for all students. One option like this is guaranteeing the availability of singles to students who feel uncomfortable being paired by gender. Another is allowing students who identify as neither male nor female to pair with each other, rather than trying to lump such students into these groups.

Traditional housing options create a division between male and female which is not only a disservice to anyone who doesn’t want to be divided, but marginalizing to those who fall outside the division, like students who are intersex, transgender, or genderqueer. Creating gender-neutral options is an important step in making colleges welcoming, safe, and comfortable for such students. Housing policies should reflect schools’ commitments to diversity by being inclusive of everyone.

Increasing gender-neutral options doesn’t mean forcing anyone into a housing situation they are uncomfortable with. Gender-neutral options can remain entirely voluntary. Students who want to live with a particular student of the same gender or be randomly assigned a roommate of the same gender can still be given these options and single-gender dorms and halls can be preserved.

Gender-neutral housing options are being adopted by many colleges, spreading from schools like Bennington and Oberlin to more than 30 campuses across the country, now including Bard, the University of Pennsylvania, Skidmore, Oregon State, and Stanford. These changes have come after student-lead campaigns on campus.

Some general information about gender neutral options is available from the National Student Genderblind Campaign at genderblind.org. Their research on the gender-neutral options available at other colleges is available at http://genderblind.org/research.pdf. A couple articles about Stanford’s program are available at http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2008/april9/gender-040908.html and www.stanforddaily.com/cgi-bin/?p=533.

Recommendations: Three books on gender deviance, intersexuality, and genderqueer.

Should college students be allowed to share a bed?

I’m the parent of a college student and I think he may be sexually active. When he and his girlfriend visit us, should I let then sleep in the same bed?

We think sharing a bed is okay. We think having sex is okay. Your son and his girlfriend might not be ready, but we think they’re ready to decide if they’re ready. But we realize that you might not agree with us, and we’re not going to try to convince you. There are some other things you should consider though.

You shouldn’t assume that your son and his girlfriend want to share a bed. They might not, and it might make them uncomfortable if you expect them to share a bed, particularly if they don’t usually share one at school. If you decide you’re comfortable with it, present it as an option.

Sharing a bed is also an intimacy separate from sex. Some kids start having sex first. Some kids start sharing a bed first. Some kids do one and never do the other. And you can be okay with one and not the other.

While we might not hold the same values as you, we still think it’s reasonable to ask your son and his girlfriend to respect your values while they’re in your home. They might even keep these values when they’re away, though it might also just make them less likely to visit.

It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to stop them from ever having sex or sharing a bed, which we think is good. Going to college means taking responsibility for these things, and we think students who are mature enough to go away to college are also mature enough to make decisions like these.

Recommendations: A book for parents about talking to teens about sex and relationships.

Is sharing a room with my girlfriend a bad idea?

I got group housing with my girlfriend, though we’re only sharing the suite, not a room, at least officially. The relationship is good, but we haven’t really been together all that long. Getting advice before hand may have been a better idea, but I’m wondering whether this was a bad idea.

If you remain a couple, living together will probably be great. It’s more convenient, and it’s nice that you’re both living there officially. Often couples who sign up for separate housing end up living in only one of their houses anyway, and then it’s more cramped for the couple and the others who share the space.

Learning how to live with someone you’re in a relationship with is also an important skill, and learning if you can live with this particular person can be a good thing to know for your relationship. Even if learn that you can’t, it might be better to figure that out here than somewhere else, like when you’re sharing an apartment that’s too expensive for either of you to afford alone in a city with little available housing, for example.

If you break up, it won’t be fun regardless of what you do. Dealing with the emotions of breaking up itself is enough without having to continue sharing a space with the person you’ve just broken up with, having to flee your home, or having to move your home somewhere new. Of course, breaking up is usually hard, and the likely alternative that one of you would have to move out of a space you unofficially live in could be similar.

Hopefully though, if you need to move somewhere else because of a breakup, the housing department will understand. They might wish you hadn’t chosen to live together to start with, but they should be more concerned with what’s best for everyone now.

We don’t think you’re an idiot.

Recommendations: These two books about living with someone you’re in a relationship with could help you deal with any problems this situation causes.

I’m totally straight. What should I do if my roommate is gay?

I’m totally straight. What should I do if my roommate is gay?

You should be a respective, supportive roommate, of course, treating any same-sexed partners your roommate brings home the same way you’d treat any opposite-sexed partners brought home by a straight roommate. You also might want to let them, totally casually, that you’re straight.

There’s no reason to think your roommate’s attracted to you, and even if they are, it’s common courtesy not to let on to someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings that you’re gawking at or fantasying about them, so it shouldn’t be in your face. It’s also common courtesy to let people who are keeping it out of your face have their fun.

If you’re still uncomfortable, then wear modest clothing, even when you’re going to bed, and change in the bathroom or learn how to get at least your underwear on without taking off your towel. You could also try rearranging your room so it gives you a little more privacy, though if you’re changing stuff dramatically right after your roommate tells you they’re gay, it could be a little obvious and insulting.

Presumably, this sort of modesty is that same way you would act if you had an opposite-sexed roommate who could be attracted to you but who you were not at all attracted to. If not, you probably have some issues you should try to get over, and if they’re going to cause you to make your gay roommate uncomfortable, you should probably do the kind thing for them and try to just switch roommates (though perhaps on the pretext of something else).

If you’re going to act differently towards a roommate because they could be attracted to you, you should really act this way towards any roommate you have, since even a roommate you know regularly has sex with opposite-sexed people could still also be attracted to you. And just as much as that prospect makes you uncomfortable or that it would make you act different towards them, it makes sense they wouldn’t be honest with you about it.

Of course, if your roommate is actively doing something that makes you uncomfortable, like flirting with you or going through your stuff, particularly if you’re tried talking to them about it, you should seek help from someone like a residence assistant or director.

Recommendations: Two general books about sex and relationships in college.

How do I deal with having both a roommate and a sex life?

How do I deal with having both a roommate and a sex life?

Talk to your roommate about things like when you’ll let each other claim the room and how you’ll communicate that you’re having sex (a locked door can be enough, a hair tie or rubber band on the knob is classic). It’s likely to get more awkward if you wait until after you get sexiled or walked-in on. Some schools have new roommates fill out a roommate contract, which is a good time to casually bring things up.

If there’s a problem, say something, but approach the situation reasonably and suggest a workable compromise. Your roommate’s less likely to listen if it sounds like you’re telling them not to have sex, but they’ll be more receptive if you offer something too. Like: “I could take my work to the library a couple nights a week if you stop locking me out when I’m just taking a shower.”

If you want to be a little subtler, help your roommate work around you by posting your class schedule on the wall and letting them know when you’ll be gone for a while. If your roommate won’t compromise or you can’t bring yourself to talk to them, you might want to try meeting with a resident assistant or director.

If you’re having sex, there are a number of things you can do to be more considerate. Don’t have sex when your roommate is in the room, even sleeping, unless they have clearly consented. Assuming that’s not the case, the best thing you can do, if it’s possible and they appreciate it, is tell your roommate ahead of time when you’re going to have sex.

You can also try to have sex when your roommate shouldn’t be around. Or you can occupy the room less by exploring new places to have sex, like the shower or outdoors, or inconveniencing your partner’s roommate equally.

Locking the door can be an effective way to say you’re having sex, but it can also be confusing. If you haven’t talked about it, your roommate might not understand—don’t forget they have a key. And if the room gets locked accidentally or because you’re changing, it might keep your roommate away needlessly.

You should pay attention to when your roommate has big papers or exams and be especially thoughtful during these times, when they might need a quiet space and their books. You can also keep it fair by letting your roommate have time alone in the room too, regardless of what they want to use it for: sex with someone else, sex with themself, or even just listening to bad music.

Recommendations: A book about having sex in public without being noticed, a book about having sex outdoors, and a general book about sex in college.