If you know that a relationship between you and your roommate is not a possibility (they are in a monogamous relationship, you are of a gender—or any other category—that they are not attracted to, you know you would not be able to handle that situation, or you’ve actually discussed it), then it’s a no-win situation that you’re just looking to make the best of.

If they don’t know, it’s rather unlikely telling them would do anything productive, unless you two are ridiculously committed to having an honest friendship or you know that they’d take it well and it would really help if you could explain why you need them to stop changing in front of you. Aside from not making it worse though, there’s not much productive you can do except patiently waiting it out.

You can try to find someone else to be attracted to, you can avoid anything particular that sets your feelings off, and you can try to put a little more distance between you and your roommate (though you shouldn’t blow them off if they’re your friend). If it’s really terrible, you could talk to an residence director and see if that’s a good enough reason to switch rooms, though then it might be hard to avoid telling your roommate what’s going on.

If a relationship is a possibility, your prospects still aren’t that great. Prying a bit without saying anything could prove that it’s not a possibility, avoiding some strife and maybe helping you get over it. Otherwise, you could not tell them, and keep suffering, or tell them, and likely just make everything awkward.

There are two possible positive solutions, though. First, they could tell you they’re not interested, but take it well, and then maybe your crush will fade. Or they could tell you the feel the same way, and you could have a wonderfully convenient relationship. But even if they do reciprocate, that’s no guarantee things will be great. Inadvertently jumping to the room-sharing phase of a relationship could make things complicated.

Recommendations: A book about living with someone you’re in a relationship with (if it might come to that) and two general guides to sex and relationships in college.

Everyone wants to live with people they feel comfortable with. Sometimes that means living with people of different genders.

Gender-neutral housing options provide students with choices for housing that aren’t based on gender. Such options, increasing at colleges across the country, can help everyone find the housing they find most comfortable, but are particularly important for intersex, transgender, and genderqueer students who feel uncomfortable being paired by gender. Gay students may also appreciate options that allow them to choose roommates they are less likely to be attracted to.

Gender-neutral housing options can mean a number of things, and increasing such options isn’t just about what options are available on a campus, but how they are made available and who they are made available to, like whether there is a bureaucratic petition process for exceptions to policies or if options are limited to returning students.

Increasing gender-neutral options can mean a number of things. It can mean allowing students to choose roommates of a different gender or allowing students to choose to be randomly assigned roommates without consideration of gender. It can also mean making mixed-gender halls and dorms available to students, even if rooms remain single-gender.

Other options are not strictly “gender-neutral,” but have similar affects for making college campuses more comfortable for all students. One option like this is guaranteeing the availability of singles to students who feel uncomfortable being paired by gender. Another is allowing students who identify as neither male nor female to pair with each other, rather than trying to lump such students into these groups.

Traditional housing options create a division between male and female which is not only a disservice to anyone who doesn’t want to be divided, but marginalizing to those who fall outside the division, like students who are intersex, transgender, or genderqueer. Creating gender-neutral options is an important step in making colleges welcoming, safe, and comfortable for such students. Housing policies should reflect schools’ commitments to diversity by being inclusive of everyone.

Increasing gender-neutral options doesn’t mean forcing anyone into a housing situation they are uncomfortable with. Gender-neutral options can remain entirely voluntary. Students who want to live with a particular student of the same gender or be randomly assigned a roommate of the same gender can still be given these options and single-gender dorms and halls can be preserved.

Gender-neutral housing options are being adopted by many colleges, spreading from schools like Bennington and Oberlin to more than 30 campuses across the country, now including Bard, the University of Pennsylvania, Skidmore, Oregon State, and Stanford. These changes have come after student-lead campaigns on campus.

Some general information about gender neutral options is available from the National Student Genderblind Campaign at genderblind.org. Their research on the gender-neutral options available at other colleges is available at http://genderblind.org/research.pdf. A couple articles about Stanford’s program are available at http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2008/april9/gender-040908.html and www.stanforddaily.com/cgi-bin/?p=533.

Recommendations: Three books on gender deviance, intersexuality, and genderqueer.

Anal sex can include a bunch of things. It can mean inserting a penis, dildo, or other object into the anus. It can mean anilingus (anal-oral sex). And it can mean stimulating the outside of the anus. We’ll focus on penetration with a penis or dildo but touch on others.

It should also be noted that anyone can participate in anal sex: anyone can use a dildo and anyone can enjoy being penetrated. That doesn’t mean that everyone will, just that there are no groups, like straight males or lesbians, that can’t.

Experimenting alone can be educational, fun, and good practice. Fingers or sex toys can be used. The shower can be a good place for this.

As always, communication is important. Partners should be clear on what’s going on and how it’s going to happen.

The receiving partner should defecate before anal sex. Not doing so can make things uncomfortable, unhealthy, or messy. Some prefer to do this a little while rather than immediately before sex. Some use enemas. Some also like to shower.

You should practice safer sex. Use condoms. Anal sex can spread STIs, parasites, and bacteria. Use lubricated or unlubricated condoms, but avoid spermicidal condoms, which can aggravate the lining of the rectum. For anilingus, use dental dams (condoms and plastic wrap can be used for makeshift dental dams).

Use lots of lube, regardless of whether you use a lubricated or unlubricated condom. You will probably want to use more than you anticipate. Unlike the vagina, the rectum is not self-lubricating. Water- or silicone-based lubricants are preferable since oil-based lubricants degrade condoms.

The receiving partner should lead. They should control how much is inserted and the speed of any movement. And, of course, if they say stop, things should immediately stop.

Start small. Don’t start with a penis or large dildo. Start with a tongue or finger. Then use two fingers. Then consider a small dildo or butt plug. This progression can happen over multiple sexual sessions. Use condoms and lube with fingers and dildos. Keep fingernails trimmed. If you are using toys that are not specifically designed for anal use, be sure to hold onto them, since, unlike the vagina, toys can easily slip into the rectum and need to be removed by a doctor.

Relaxation is important. It is against the nature of the anus, but vital to pleasurable anal sex. Starting small, going slow, and staying comfortable with the situation make relaxing easier.

Go slowly. Pause frequently. Let the receiver lead. Stimulate the outside of the anus first. Insert inch by inch. Slowly start moving. Don’t withdraw all the way, since this will make inserting again more difficult.

The receiver might feel like they need to defecate. There is no need to be concerned. Growing accustomed to the feeling my make it less worrisome and bothersome.

Many positions work. Spooning is an easier way to start. The receiver on all fours may prove more pleasurable. The receiver sitting on top of their partner and the missionary position can also be used.

Anal sex can be combined with other things. The penetrative partner can use their hands to stimulate the receiver’s breast, clitoris, or penis. Anal sex can also be performed with fingers or a vibrator during vaginal or oral sex.

Anal sex can be messy and can leave the receiver feeling uncomfortable, but if practiced safely it shouldn’t cause any long-lasting damage.

Before inserting anything that’s been in the rectum into the vagina or mouth, it should be washed thoroughly in soap and water and any condoms should be discarded.

As always, practice improves technique. Frequent practice can also help receivers get used to the sensation, making relaxation easier.

Recommendations: A book on anal sex for couples, an anal sex starter kit, and a simple (and cheap) anal sex toy.

You should be a respective, supportive roommate, of course, treating any same-sexed partners your roommate brings home the same way you’d treat any opposite-sexed partners brought home by a straight roommate. You also might want to let them, totally casually, that you’re straight.

There’s no reason to think your roommate’s attracted to you, and even if they are, it’s common courtesy not to let on to someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings that you’re gawking at or fantasying about them, so it shouldn’t be in your face. It’s also common courtesy to let people who are keeping it out of your face have their fun.

If you’re still uncomfortable, then wear modest clothing, even when you’re going to bed, and change in the bathroom or learn how to get at least your underwear on without taking off your towel. You could also try rearranging your room so it gives you a little more privacy, though if you’re changing stuff dramatically right after your roommate tells you they’re gay, it could be a little obvious and insulting.

Presumably, this sort of modesty is that same way you would act if you had an opposite-sexed roommate who could be attracted to you but who you were not at all attracted to. If not, you probably have some issues you should try to get over, and if they’re going to cause you to make your gay roommate uncomfortable, you should probably do the kind thing for them and try to just switch roommates (though perhaps on the pretext of something else).

If you’re going to act differently towards a roommate because they could be attracted to you, you should really act this way towards any roommate you have, since even a roommate you know regularly has sex with opposite-sexed people could still also be attracted to you. And just as much as that prospect makes you uncomfortable or that it would make you act different towards them, it makes sense they wouldn’t be honest with you about it.

Of course, if your roommate is actively doing something that makes you uncomfortable, like flirting with you or going through your stuff, particularly if you’re tried talking to them about it, you should seek help from someone like a residence assistant or director.

Recommendations: Two general books about sex and relationships in college.

Occasionally there is a person who is primarily attracted to women, identifies as a lesbian, and still wants to be a in a relationship with a man. But if your girlfriend doesn’t make it clearer what’s going on, telling you she’s a lesbian probably means she’s also breaking up with you.

It’s reasonable for you to feel bad about getting broken up with and confused about how this changes your understanding of how she felt about you during your relationship, but you shouldn’t blame anyone, not her or yourself. If your girlfriend was just in a relationship with a man and now only feels attracted to women, it’s likely she’s feeling kind of confused. As her friend, you should try to be supportive.

Recommendations: A book about coming out and a book about sex in college.

Lay it so that one side is flat against the vagina or anus before performing oral sex and hold it in place. That’s pretty much it. You can put water or silicone based lubricant on one or both sides. Either the giver or the receiver can hold it. When you’re done, try to fold it up so you don’t touch the side that was in contact with the vagina or anus. If you do, wash your hands.

Recommendations: Flavored dental dams (you can get them unflavored too), a guide to hot safer sex, and lube.