Why can’t I make my boyfriend ejaculate?

So this is going to sound kind of crazy but my boyfriend managed to give me 3 orgasms but I cannot get him to ejaculate. I’ve tried everything. Please help.

Have you tried talking to him? Awkward as it will probably be, it might magically fix your problem. Different things feel good to different people, and you might just need some guidance about what feels best to him. If it’s difficult for him to describe or difficult for you to understand, ask him to move your hand/mouth/body so that it feels good for him.

It might always be difficult for him to ejaculate. This can be caused by some medications or by having a high threshold for stimulation. If he always has trouble, you might be better off aiming to make him feel good and not worrying about ejaculation. Sex (in all its forms) can be very pleasurable for most people without orgasm. Having an orgasm during every session of sexual activity is not a reasonable goal for many people, but feeling good is.

Performance anxiety and general anxiety make it very difficult for many people to have orgasms. Talking about it with him might help him to feel more comfortable. In sex therapy, it is often recommended that couples take turns touching one another and talking about what feels good but not attempting to reach orgasm. This takes off pressure to reciprocate and to have an orgasm, and encourages communication.

Once you are very comfortable with this exercise, you can move on to taking turns trying to bring your partner to orgasm, again with no pressure to reciprocate. When you’re good at this, you may be able to resume normal activity with better results.

If your boyfriend is having a lot of anxiety issues and having trouble getting over them, there may not be much that you can do beyond giving it time and making it clear that you’re open to talking.

Recommendations: A book for men on improving orgasms and a general book on sex and relationships for college students.

What if my partner can’t orgasm?

What if he can’t orgasm? What is she can’t orgasm?

It depends what you mean by “can’t orgasm.” If someone’s never had an orgasm before, it’s probably just a question of trying different things to figure out what feels good. A lot of people are most comfortable figuring it out by themselves and then helping their partner to do things right, but if you’re uncomfortable with or don’t enjoy masturbation, you can work with your partner to figure things out, though this requires you to feel really comfortable with them and be ready to communicate.

It’s very common for girls to have trouble reaching orgasm during vaginal penetration. Vaginal penetration can be enjoyable without orgasm, but adding other things (like manual and oral sex, clitoral stimulation, and other forms of pleasurable touching) can make orgasm more likely.

If a guy is having trouble reaching orgasm, it might also be solved trying a different type of stimulation or a different position. In both cases, communication and experimentation are important.

If someone can reach orgasm alone but not with a partner, it is probably caused by anxiety. In both males and females, orgasm is largely a psychological process. If you’re worried about “performing” well, it can be hard to focus on how good something feels.

Recognizing that this is the problem, talking to your partner about it, and becoming more comfortable with your partner and body can help. In an aggravatingly backwards way, enjoying the moment and feeling like you don’t have to orgasm can make it more likely that you will. But if the anxiety is overwhelming, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist.

The only common physical cause of this problem in young adults is medication. SSRIs (a class of antidepressants that includes Prozac and Zoloft) make it difficult for a lot of people to reach orgasm. Some girls also find that being on birth control pills makes it harder for them to orgasm. Sometimes switching medication can help.

It’s unusual for young adults to have other physical problems that could inhibit orgasm, but it’s possible, so if you can’t reach orgasm under any circumstances, you should go to your school’s health services or a doctor about it.

Recommendations: Three books on improving orgasm, for men, women, and couples.

How many sexual positions are there?

How many sexual positions are there?

The Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian work on love and sex, includes eighty-four sexual positions. The Perfumed Garden, an ancient Arabic text, describes eleven. Kinsey broke it down into six primary positions. And the Wikipedia page “list of sex positions” explains over a hundred.

It depends a little on whether you’re interested only in positions involving vaginal penetration, or if you’re interested in positions for other sexual activities too. For example, 69, in which partners perform oral sex on one another simultaneously, is a well known and popular position for non-penetrative sex.

But, really, there is no limit. All sorts of minor differences on the arrangement of the two (or more!) bodies could be considered new positions. And people have probably already figured out, and named, uncountable variations.

If you’re trying to imagine the possibilities, though, Kinsey might be a good place to start. His six categories are man on top, woman on top, side by side, rear entry, standing, and sitting/kneeling.

The missionary position, often considered the most standard, is one in which the woman lies on her back and the man is on top. Many variations involve the placement of legs: the man’s may be outside the woman’s, the woman’s may fold around the man’s back, or the woman’s may be lifted or bent.

The man can also lie on his back and the woman can sit on top, placing her legs on each side and facing either towards or away from him. Or the man can sit too and the woman can sit on his lap. Or the two can take a spooning position, the man behind the woman, both lying on their sides.

These positions can also be performed by two women, if one wears a strap-on dildo, and many of them can also be used for anal sex, both between a man and woman or between two men. There are also innumerable positions for oral and manual sex. And all sorts of other possibilities are added by additional participants.

Recommendations: A contemporary book on sex positions, the classic Kama Sutra, and a more specific guide to sex positions, those for anal sex (there are also guides specifically for lesbians and ones geared towards other sexual interests).

How do you ask if someone’s interested in sex?

How do you bring up the subject of having sex to your significant other who may not be ready yet?

Communication’s very important when you’re starting a sexual relationship with someone, particularly if it’s their (and/or your) first. While it’s an uncomfortable subject at first, if you try to act based on your partner’s body language, you might misinterpret something and end up making them feel uncomfortable or violated. It gets easier to talk about over time, but only if you start talking in the first place.

You should bring it up respectfully and understandingly. You should make it clear that you’re not trying to pressure them to have sex, but you don’t need to make any excuses for being interested and wanting to talk about it. And if you don’t want to be in a relationship if they’re not ready to have sex, you should be honest about that too, though that’s usually a good reason to talk about your values before you get into a relationship with someone.

But maybe you’re asking how you can bring it up at all. If you can manage it, straightforwardly is best. Try: “I’d like to talk about sex.” Or: “I want to know how you feel about sex.” Or: “I know this is pretty awkward, and I’m not sure how to say it, but could we talk about our feelings about having sex?” If actually saying it out loud is very difficult, writing a note could be a way to get a conversation started, but you are eventually going to have to talk about it.

If you can’t manage that yet, maybe you could try bringing it up when it’s relevant to something else. Find some interesting statistic about sex on college campuses to talk about. Recount someone else’s embarrassing sex story, and try to turn the conversation so you get their opinion. Or comment on this article. Try: “This sounds like really terrible advice. How do you think someone should bring up sex?”

Recommendations: Three basic books about sex and relationships, the first two particularly about college.

What counts as virginity and what counts as sex?

I know you’re a virgin until you have sex, but what exactly counts as sex?

Sometimes it means something more specific, but all kinds of sexual activities can be included by the word sex. You might confused people if you say “I had sex with him” to describe tying someone up or spanking them, but when we tell you to practice “safer sex” we’re talking about safety for those activities too, not just things involving the genitals or anal penetration.

Traditionally, you’re a virgin until you’ve participating in penetrative vaginal sex with a penis. Some people might add that the penis needs to be in far enough or stay in long enough or that one or both of the participants must orgasm. Often, though, this definition simply proves irrelevant.

Although it is simple and neat, saying you’re a virgin loses it’s ability to communicate sexual inexperience when some people can spend decades participating in all kinds of strange sex acts and still be virgins while others’ one-time, moment-long encounters take their virginity away.

People in same-sex relationships, for example, may never participate in penetrative vaginal sex with a penis. Because of this, males often set anal penetration (with a penis) as their line for losing virginity. Females might have a harder time pinning it done, but could set the bar around oral sex or vaginal penetration, with some consideration for what is penetrating and who’s giving or receiving too. Relationships with transgender people could complete these standards in other ways.

But people in opposite-sex relationships can participate in many of the same activities that people in same-sex couples participate in, and they may refrain from penetrative vaginal sex for a practical reason like decreasing the chance of pregnancy even while the activities they are participating could represent, for them, the same level of emotional intimacy that people in same-sex relationships are reaching. Considering some people virgins and others not when they’ve done the same things is a little weird.

It also gets pretty silly when some opposite-sex couples intentionally preserve their virginity, with an emphasis on its associations with purity, by participating in activities like anal and oral sex, acts that are historically considered more risqué, exotic, and intimate than vaginal sex.

Obviously, we as a society need to stop using the concept of virginity (and get rid of the moralizing baggage that comes with it) and come up with some more descriptive words for levels of sexual experience. In the meantime, you can try not to stress yourself out about it and tell others who ask whatever seems to you to fit best, or something that just gives them a clearer sense of your actual experiences, like “I’ve fooled around with a few people, but there are some things I haven’t done with anyone yet.”

Recommendations: Three general books about sex, to help you think less abotu the semantics and think more about the antics.

I’m desperate for sex! What should I do?

Seriously, it’s been 129 days since I had sex. Really, what am I going to do?

You should calm down and think about what people find attractive. It’s impossible to make generalizations, but there’s a good chance they don’t find your desperation and complaints particularly appealing. Making your struggles to find a partner into a public joke might also put them off, not only because it could reveal your low self-esteem, but because they may feel like any sexual/romantic relationship they participate in with you will be equally a joke.

Four months can feel like a long time to someone who’s used to having sex regularly, but emphasizing this might put off potential partners. To someone who may never have had sex before, you’re flaunting an amount of experience that could make them nervous.

You can also try to meet new people by hanging out with a new group of people, joining a new club, or sitting with someone you don’t know well in the dining hall. You should keep your Facebook status simple and clear (single, looking for a relationship) and keep yourself clean and appealing. And try to be nice. Also consider what attractive assets you have to make use of. If you have a witty repertoire, use it. If you have a car, offer people rides.

Recommendations: A book for men about getting women to have sex with them and something to help men stay sexually satisfied if they can’t find a partner (amazon sells tons of other toys for men and women too).