Where can we have sex?

My girlfriend and I go to a school where we’re not allowed in each others’ dorms. Any ideas where we should have sex?

You might, of course, be able to get away with breaking the rules and just having sex in each others’ rooms. It’s possible that some of the people who are supposed to enforce those rules really don’t even care, though it’s always polite to make it as easy as possible for those overlooking rule-breaking by being discreet and giving them less rule-breaking that needs to be overlooked.

It also depends on what the consequences are for getting caught, since if you do break the rules consistently it’s entirely possible you’ll get caught at least a couple of times. If the consequences for getting caught up to a few times are tolerable, you can break the rules until the consequences for getting caught would be worse and then stop breaking the rules.

Of course, that assumes you don’t have respect for the rules, which you very well might, though your question does imply that you probably at least don’t care much for the spirit of those rules. Regardless, you’ve got some other options.

If the rules only apply to some people, like younger students, you might be able to borrow someone else’s room occasionally. You might also be able to rent a room in a local motel, though that is pretty costly and might only be a reasonable thing to do for a very special occasion. If either of your parents live near by, you might be able to take more weekend trips home, though your parents’ rules might not be any better than your school’s.

There are still a couple of other options too. You might take to having sex outside, particularly if you live somewhere with a warm climate. It might take some getting used to, but some people enjoy it a lot. You might also learn to have sex in public places, though if you’re intent isn’t exhibitionism, you’ll want to look for places like abandoned study lounges and dark corners of the library. You can get pretty sexual while staying pretty discreet with some clever positioning (like having a girl in a skirt sit on a boy’s lap) and a little bit of forethought (like cuddling under a blanket while you watch a movie).

Recommendations: Some books about having sex outside and having sex in public places, and a book that might give you some ideas for positions that won’t draw attention to yourselves (and maybe some other fun ideas too).

What is the effect of Viagra for women?

What is the effect of Viagra for women?

Some studies have been done to evaluate whether Viagra might have positive sexual effects on women the way it does on men, but results haven’t been promising. When a woman takes Viagra, she may experience some of the side effects of the drug (headache, skin flushing, blurred vision), which occur because it causes some general dilation of blood vessels, but she will not experience improved clitoral erection.

As mentioned in the section on antidepressants and sexual anhedonia, some prescription drugs can be used to improve sexual function in people who experience sexual side effects from antidepressants. Some studies have found that Viagra may be helpful for this purpose in both men and women, although this is still an off-label use of the drug (the drug is not approved by the FDA for this purpose, but doctors may recommend it because there is preliminary evidence that it may be helpful). If you’re considering taking Viagra and you don’t have a prescription for it, please be aware that it interacts dangerously with a number of prescription and recreational drugs.

Are male enhacement products safe?

Is it safe to take Longitude or other male enhancement products?

In short, no.

“Male enhancement” pills are not tested for safety, nor are they tested for effectiveness. Analyses that have been done of pills like this have found mold, E. coli, lead, and fecal matter from animals that graze where the herbs are grown. Is it worth eating that?

Perhaps more importantly, there’s no reason for which anyone should be taking such pills. At most, medications can make it easier to get an erection, and if you’re having frequent trouble with that, you should get yourself to your college’s health services office or a doctor to make sure nothing’s physically or psychologically wrong with you.

But these supplements don’t advertise better erections, they advertise a larger penis. Nothing short of surgery will make your penis bigger, and even that doesn’t tend to work very well. Longitude isn’t being made anymore, but we don’t recommend that you try any male enhancement pills or devices.

Drugs like Viagra are used to treat erectile dysfunction, but are not considered to be male enhancement products. They probably won’t help your erection if you’re young, and can cause unpleasant side effects like bad headaches.

There are a couple things that should make you worry less about length though. Studies where erection has been clinically induced and measured by health care professionals have found an average penis length of just over 5 inches, which is much smaller than averages obtained through self-reported data. Given that the first couple of inches of the vagina are the most sensitive and that the prostate gland is just a couple of inches into the rectum a big penis is unnecessary for purposes of physical stimulation.

Recommendations: A general sex book that can help anyone improve their sex life, regardless of their physical endowments, and something that could help with size issues.

What should I do about sexual side-effects of antidepressants?

My psychiatrist suggests that I try antidepressants, but sexual anhedonia is not one of my depression symptoms, and I am reluctant to risk losing my sex drive. Are there any antidepressants with lower rates of sexual side effects, or, alternatively, supplements or additional medications I can take to mitigate the effects?

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are some of the most effective drugs for treating depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and eating disorders. Unfortunately, they have a high incidence of sexual side effects like decreased sex drive and trouble reaching orgasm.

Fewer than half of people taking SSRIs report sexual side effects, so there is certainly no guarantee that you will have a problem. Side effects of antidepressants are often worst during the first few weeks, and sometimes sexual side effects will clear up entirely after this time. If this doesn’t happen, sexual side effects almost always resolve within days of stopping the medication, so if your psychiatrist believes that an SSRI is the best drug to treat your depression, it is probably worth a try.

If you’ve had a problem with sexual side effects on an SSRI, you should talk to your psychiatrist. There are a few antidepressants which are unlikely to cause sexual side effects, the best known of which is probably bupropion (Wellbutrin).

These drugs do not have sexual side effects because they do not inhibit the reuptake of serotonin. This might also make them less effective, depending on what is causing your depression. They also have different counter-indications (Wellbutrin, for example, lowers seizure threshold, so it is not usually prescribed to patients who may be prone to having seizures).

If SSRIs are the only class of antidepressant you can take or the only class that is effective for you, there are a handful of medications which are sometimes used to try to eliminate sexual side effects. They are all available by prescription only, and all have their own risks and side effects, so a doctor needs to help you evaluate if one of these might be an option for you.

One study found that ginkgo biloba, often sold as a tea or herbal supplement for improving memory (a use which has not held up well in studies), effectively treated sexual side effects caused by SSRIs in a number of patients.

Why this should work is not understood, but ginkgo is available without a prescription, and is unlikely to cause undesirable side effects at low doses, so it may be worth trying. If you’re taking any other medications, it would be a good idea to ask a pharmacist if ginkgo could interact with the other drug.

Recommendations: Two general guides to sex and college sex and relationships.

Can I pre-break my hymen?

I am a virgin, and am interested in having sex. I’m not keen on causing a bloody mess with my first penetration and I haven’t noticed my hymen break in sports, tampon application, etc. Is there a way for me to pre-break or stretch my hymen to eliminate the mess?

Most people don’t actually experience a whole lot of mess, but it is a possibility, and it’s likely that even in the absence of a significant mess there would be a little bit of blood.

If you’re comfortable with using one, a life size dildo (around five inches in circumference) and some lubricant could be used to pre-stretch or break the hymen. This will probably be painful, and it may be easier to use several dildos of increasing circumference. You could also just use your fingers to practice stretching it. Even if you only tear/stretch it a little bit, it should make the first penetration less painful and less likely to be bloody.

Recommendations: A light-hearted guide to losing your virginity and a book of stories about first times.

How exactly can a hymen be broken?

How exactly can a hymen be broken? More than one way?

The hymen is a thin membrane which partially covers the vaginal opening. First, it’s important to know that all hymens are not created equal. They cover the opening of the vagina to different extents, and someone with a very thin hymen which does not cover a significant portion of the vaginal opening may never experience a significant tearing or breaking. It’s even possible (though unusual) to be born without a hymen.

Rarely, someone is born with a hymen which completely covers the vaginal opening. In that case, the hymen is surgically removed or cut. That surgery is also sometimes used to allow people with particularly thick, extensive hymens to use tampons or have intercourse.

Assuming you have an average hymen, it’s possible to tear it from a straddling injury (such as one might incur while biking or horseback riding). Some girls stretch or tear their hymens while figuring out tampons or menstrual cups. Having penetrative vaginal sex for the first time is a common way that the hymen is torn. Usually, some hymen is left intact until a woman gives birth vaginally.

If the hymen has been previously stretched or torn in some way, it may or may not stretch/break more during penetrative vaginal sex.

Recommendations: A book of stories about first times and a light-hearted guide to losing your virginity.

Is there an ethics of reciprocation?

My girlfriend enjoys getting me off. I’m willing to reciprocate, and I don’t mind doing so, and I want to make her happy and everything, but I just don’t really get any pleasure from the act itself. After a few minutes, I get bored, and then I feel guilty when my mind starts to wander. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to feel less bored or guilty? Is there an ethic for the proportion of time I’m obligated to spend reciprocating if we both enjoy it when I’m receiving and only she enjoys it when she is?

There is no real “normal,” and there’s no standard ethic for how much time each partner has to spend pleasuring the other. Different things work better for different people. However, if you’re getting bored when you touch your girlfriend, she’s surely going to notice, and that may make her feel self conscious and enjoy it a lot less (which may then mean that it takes a long time or doesn’t go anywhere, aggravating your problem).

It may help you to talk to your girlfriend about this. If she enjoys pleasuring you and you both enjoy activity that involves mutual stimulation (penetrative sex, dry sex, etc), it may be fine with her if you don’t try to spend time just pleasuring her, and instead dedicate more time to mutual stimulation.

If she does want you to spend time just getting her off, it may help you to think about why you are not enjoying it so much now. It may be something that you can fix by modifying what you’re doing. Perhaps she is not reacting obviously enough for it to feel erotic to you? Perhaps you’re fixating a lot on one part of her body, and would enjoy it more if you spent more time touching more of her body? If nothing is working, it may help you to fantasize while you get her off. Imagining that you’re having sex with her or playing out a fantasy about her might help you to enjoy it.

Recommendations: A classic book about sex and two newer books about sex and relationships in college.

What can I do if I don’t want to make noise?

I have never felt any inclination to moan during sex and even when masturbating, I am usually dead quiet with little change in breathing.  I know my partner wants to pleasure me and it hurts him when I am unresponsive.  I’ve never been able to master “faking it” and I feel uncomfortable forcing myself to make random sounds.  Are there any non-audio things I can do to reassure him?  Even though I don’t necessarily always feel physical pleasure out of sex, I enjoy the emotional intimacy.  Is it possible to have one without the other?

You are allowed to enjoy the emotional intimacy of something without enjoying the physical sensation of it, and hopefully your partner would be okay with that, at least sometimes. But if you show signs that make your partner think you’re physically enjoying something when you’re not, you are ultimately lying.

That might make your partner feel better short-term, but it’s probably not a good foundation long-term for a relationship, or for either of you to enjoy your sex lives (he’ll get encouraged to do things you don’t actually enjoy). Your partner should get over feeling hurt (it’s unproductive and unfair), but you should also try working on finding things you do find pleasurable and communicating what those are to him.
 
Even if he shouldn’t feel hurt, your partner’s interest in your enjoyment being clear isn’t unreasonable. Aside from his right to desire whatever sexual pleasure he wants (including the audio signals), which he could seek elsewhere if you can’t find something that works for both of you, his interest could also just come from being a decent guy who doesn’t want to be pressuring someone to do something they’re not into.
 
If you try making sounds, you may get over your discomfort and even come to enjoy it. You can also try making sounds that aren’t fake, but instead just clear in their intent to communicate pleasure (and consent). You could make a sound like the conscious “Mmm” people offer when eating, or you can use words, like “that feels nice” or “keep going.”

You can also just explain all, or some, of this to your partner. Non-auditorily, you could show interest by touching your partner (rubbing his head, squeezing his hand), by smiling, or by actively participating.

Recommendations: A few general guides to sex and relationships.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Why do women fake orgasms, and how can I tell if my girlfriend is faking hers?

Many women experience performance anxiety and have trouble reaching orgasm during sex or don’t know how to reach orgasm at all. But orgasm is often seen as the “goal” of sexual activity.

Women who have trouble reaching orgasm don’t want their partners to feel like an inadequate job has been done, and will sometimes fake orgasms to show their partners that they are enjoying themselves, or to avoid difficult explanations about not being able to reach orgasm. Some women will also fake orgasms if they’re tired and want to stop having sex, as lots of people feel obligated to continue until both partners have had an orgasm.

It is very difficult to tell if someone has faked an orgasm without machines to monitor heart rate, muscle tension, and brain activity. But there are a few things you can look for.

Orgasms cause muscle contractions in the vagina, so if you’re inside her and can’t feel anything different, that might be an indication that she’s faking. Orgasms also pretty consistently cause heavy breathing and increased heart rate, so if you specifically notice that those things haven’t happened, that could also reveal that it’s faked.

However, all three of those things can happen from sexual activity even if there’s no orgasm, so they’re not telltale signs that she’s had an orgasm either.

But really, if you’re worried that your girlfriend is deceiving you about her sexual satisfaction, you should be less concerned about trying to figure out how to catch the deception and more concerned about dealing with the honesty and trust issues in your relationship.

If she’s faking, it might be because she doesn’t feel comfortable telling you what feels good or asking you to do something differently. Or because she feels bad saying that she wants to stop and go to bed. Make sure she knows that you want her to communicate about things like that. Try to communicate about what feels good to you so that she feels more comfortable talking about herself.

Recommendations: A guide to knowing when a women is faking an orgasm and a general book for college students about relationships and sex.

Why isn’t sex pleasant?

How come sex has to hurt or feel like nothing at all? (I’m female.)

Though popular media would have you think otherwise, there aren’t a whole lot of nerves in the vagina. Consequently, vaginal penetration alone doesn’t feel so great for many women. If you’re still pretty new to penetrative sex, your hymen is probably still stretching and tearing, which can cause pain. Additionally, some women feel pain during deep penetration when the cervix is touched by a penis or dildo.

A good first step is to experiment with lubricants and different kinds of condoms. Using lots of lubricant will minimize tearing of the hymen that may still be occurring and also any discomfort caused by friction from the condom. Silicone based lubricants do not get sticky the way water based lubricants do, and are also safe to use with condoms, so that might be a good thing to try. A condom which is thinner or tighter may also cause less friction.

It’s important that you communicate with your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t. Some sexual positions will probably feel better than others, so try to experiment and talk to your partner about which you like best. You may find that having your partner stimulate your clitoris or nipples (with fingers, mouth, or a vibrator) during sex helps the vaginal penetration feel better. Experimenting with a dildo on your own or with your partner may make it easier for you to figure out exactly what you like so that you can recreate that when you’re having sex.

Recommendations: A few things you might experiment with to figure out how to make sex more pleasant and pleasurable.