There are some words that, by default, are always safewords, at least in the sense that if you say them during sex your partner should know that you want to stop. These words include “no,” “stop,” and “that hurts!” There’s a wise adage that says “no always means no.” It’s a good rule as much as it’s intended to address a sentiment that goes like this: “I didn’t think she really meant no because she looked like she enjoying it.” But the rule might go too far when it stops consenting adults from doing what they want to.

Some people get turned on by consensually enacting nonconsensual scenarios. Using a pre-agreed upon safeword to stop the scene if it begins to cross their boundaries, they are free to protest “no, stop!” as much as they like without cutting short their fun, while still ensuring they’re enjoying the scene.

Safewords are usually chosen that would not come up naturally, like “Oklahoma” or “aardvark.” Because of this, any word that is nonsensical to say during sex may successfully communicate that you want to stop. During a role-playing scene, breaking character or using your partner’s real name could communicate the same. There are also some standard safewords that should, by default at least, always be respected. These are “safeword” and “red.”

Some partners take things further by consenting not to use safewords, but if you’re asking about having a mystery word that your girlfriend guesses to try to make things stop, Rumpelstiltskin-style, that doesn’t count as a safeword.

Recommendations: Two great basic books about SM and BDSM and a beginners bondage kit.

We think people should be open with their partners about their sexual needs and desires. And we think partners should be respectful of each other’s kinks even if they aren’t interested or eager to indulge them, though that is an honorable thing to do. But not everyone will respond so well. You run a risk of her not appreciating the idea, and there’s a fair chance she won’t be interested. But maybe she’ll be into it too.

Recommendations: a book about getting your girlfriend to fulfill your fantasies and a book about college sex and relationships.

People are often too concerned with what is “normal.” Although this fantasy is not common, that does not mean it is unhealthy, accept to the degree that it could represent something else, or that it bothers you.

Recommendations: A couple of books about SM and BDSM, to reassure you that there’s a lot of interesting things that people are into.

You shouldn’t rule it out, but you should proceed cautiously. It’s not unlikely that your girlfriend’s past desire to inflict pain on herself has something to do with her current desire for you to inflict pain on her, but this may be a more acceptable outlet for those feelings, particularly if you help ensure everything stays safe and controlled.

First though, if you haven’t talked about these concerns with her, you should do that. If you’re not able to talk reasonably through your concerns about these fantasies, you’re probably not ready to deal reasonably with the emotions of enacting them.

To keep the roles you take on during sex from determining the power dynamics of your relationship when you’re not having sex, you need to start with a clear agreement that you’re both committed to doing so. Even before that though, you need to make sure you’re on the same page, that neither of you actually does want those dynamics to enter into wider aspects of your relationship. As you start experimenting, you should keep an eye on your relationship and be prepared to call each other on it if either of you starts acting differently.

Recommendations: Three great basic books about BDSM.

Gender roles are pervasive, playing out in our lives in all sorts of ways. So we should strive to become more aware of how we enact gender roles and to limit their negative effects. But it’s possible to do that without giving up whatever sex you enjoy. That you’re aware, thinking, and questioning is a great start.

Consciously acting out gender roles can reinforce them (like advertising that plays off people’s desire to be feminine or masculine), but it can also be used to subvert them (like parody) or as a way to work through ones’ feelings about them. It’s also possible for these affects to be neutral and for there to be some other benefit (like your sexual pleasure). You really just need to take a good look at the wider context of your sexual submissiveness and passivity.

Here some things to ask yourself: Did your partner take control automatically or because you expressed that you wanted to be submissive? Do you feel comfortable saying when you’re not interested? Do the same power dynamics play out in other aspects of your relationship? Does it reflect any sexist attitudes you or your partner harbor? Does it make you otherwise feel stronger or weaker?

Recommendations: two books about SM and BDSM.

BDSM, often distinguished from “vanilla sex,” is triple acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. It is an umbrella term that includes a wide variety of sexual activities that often overlap and can be practiced with a wide range of intensity, some of which may be erotized rather than overtly sexual. These activities usually take place within a defined “scene.”

Bondage is the use of tying up, handcuffs, or other restraints. Discipline is the use of rules and punishment, which can include physical pain, humiliation, or loss of privileges. Dominance and submission is the control of one party over another. Sadism is gratification from inflicting pain or humiliation. Masochism is gratification from receiving pain or humiliation.

BDSM usually involves unequal roles. Typically, those who are active and in control are known as dominants, doms, tops, or masters and those who are passive and controlled are known as submissives, subs, bottoms, or slaves. Those who may take on both these roles are known as switches.

To keep activities safe, participants in BDSM use pre-negotiation of scenes, safewords, and heightened knowledge of the body’s and mind’s limits. Many measure activities against the yardstick of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” (SSC). Others hold a more permissive idea of “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink” (RACK), believing that anything done between fully informed, consenting adults is acceptable.

If you’re interested to learn more, the Topping Book and the Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, are two very quick reads that make a good grounding, and for those that are really interested in everything related to BDSM, there is Jay Wiseman’s SM101.

Recommendations: Three great introductory books to Topping, Bottoming, and S&M.