What counts as virginity and what counts as sex?

I know you’re a virgin until you have sex, but what exactly counts as sex?

Sometimes it means something more specific, but all kinds of sexual activities can be included by the word sex. You might confused people if you say “I had sex with him” to describe tying someone up or spanking them, but when we tell you to practice “safer sex” we’re talking about safety for those activities too, not just things involving the genitals or anal penetration.

Traditionally, you’re a virgin until you’ve participating in penetrative vaginal sex with a penis. Some people might add that the penis needs to be in far enough or stay in long enough or that one or both of the participants must orgasm. Often, though, this definition simply proves irrelevant.

Although it is simple and neat, saying you’re a virgin loses it’s ability to communicate sexual inexperience when some people can spend decades participating in all kinds of strange sex acts and still be virgins while others’ one-time, moment-long encounters take their virginity away.

People in same-sex relationships, for example, may never participate in penetrative vaginal sex with a penis. Because of this, males often set anal penetration (with a penis) as their line for losing virginity. Females might have a harder time pinning it done, but could set the bar around oral sex or vaginal penetration, with some consideration for what is penetrating and who’s giving or receiving too. Relationships with transgender people could complete these standards in other ways.

But people in opposite-sex relationships can participate in many of the same activities that people in same-sex couples participate in, and they may refrain from penetrative vaginal sex for a practical reason like decreasing the chance of pregnancy even while the activities they are participating could represent, for them, the same level of emotional intimacy that people in same-sex relationships are reaching. Considering some people virgins and others not when they’ve done the same things is a little weird.

It also gets pretty silly when some opposite-sex couples intentionally preserve their virginity, with an emphasis on its associations with purity, by participating in activities like anal and oral sex, acts that are historically considered more risqué, exotic, and intimate than vaginal sex.

Obviously, we as a society need to stop using the concept of virginity (and get rid of the moralizing baggage that comes with it) and come up with some more descriptive words for levels of sexual experience. In the meantime, you can try not to stress yourself out about it and tell others who ask whatever seems to you to fit best, or something that just gives them a clearer sense of your actual experiences, like “I’ve fooled around with a few people, but there are some things I haven’t done with anyone yet.”

Recommendations: Three general books about sex, to help you think less abotu the semantics and think more about the antics.