Is there an ethics of reciprocation?

My girlfriend enjoys getting me off. I’m willing to reciprocate, and I don’t mind doing so, and I want to make her happy and everything, but I just don’t really get any pleasure from the act itself. After a few minutes, I get bored, and then I feel guilty when my mind starts to wander. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to feel less bored or guilty? Is there an ethic for the proportion of time I’m obligated to spend reciprocating if we both enjoy it when I’m receiving and only she enjoys it when she is?

There is no real “normal,” and there’s no standard ethic for how much time each partner has to spend pleasuring the other. Different things work better for different people. However, if you’re getting bored when you touch your girlfriend, she’s surely going to notice, and that may make her feel self conscious and enjoy it a lot less (which may then mean that it takes a long time or doesn’t go anywhere, aggravating your problem).

It may help you to talk to your girlfriend about this. If she enjoys pleasuring you and you both enjoy activity that involves mutual stimulation (penetrative sex, dry sex, etc), it may be fine with her if you don’t try to spend time just pleasuring her, and instead dedicate more time to mutual stimulation.

If she does want you to spend time just getting her off, it may help you to think about why you are not enjoying it so much now. It may be something that you can fix by modifying what you’re doing. Perhaps she is not reacting obviously enough for it to feel erotic to you? Perhaps you’re fixating a lot on one part of her body, and would enjoy it more if you spent more time touching more of her body? If nothing is working, it may help you to fantasize while you get her off. Imagining that you’re having sex with her or playing out a fantasy about her might help you to enjoy it.

Recommendations: A classic book about sex and two newer books about sex and relationships in college.