How do I deal with having both a roommate and a sex life?

How do I deal with having both a roommate and a sex life?

Talk to your roommate about things like when you’ll let each other claim the room and how you’ll communicate that you’re having sex (a locked door can be enough, a hair tie or rubber band on the knob is classic). It’s likely to get more awkward if you wait until after you get sexiled or walked-in on. Some schools have new roommates fill out a roommate contract, which is a good time to casually bring things up.

If there’s a problem, say something, but approach the situation reasonably and suggest a workable compromise. Your roommate’s less likely to listen if it sounds like you’re telling them not to have sex, but they’ll be more receptive if you offer something too. Like: “I could take my work to the library a couple nights a week if you stop locking me out when I’m just taking a shower.”

If you want to be a little subtler, help your roommate work around you by posting your class schedule on the wall and letting them know when you’ll be gone for a while. If your roommate won’t compromise or you can’t bring yourself to talk to them, you might want to try meeting with a resident assistant or director.

If you’re having sex, there are a number of things you can do to be more considerate. Don’t have sex when your roommate is in the room, even sleeping, unless they have clearly consented. Assuming that’s not the case, the best thing you can do, if it’s possible and they appreciate it, is tell your roommate ahead of time when you’re going to have sex.

You can also try to have sex when your roommate shouldn’t be around. Or you can occupy the room less by exploring new places to have sex, like the shower or outdoors, or inconveniencing your partner’s roommate equally.

Locking the door can be an effective way to say you’re having sex, but it can also be confusing. If you haven’t talked about it, your roommate might not understand—don’t forget they have a key. And if the room gets locked accidentally or because you’re changing, it might keep your roommate away needlessly.

You should pay attention to when your roommate has big papers or exams and be especially thoughtful during these times, when they might need a quiet space and their books. You can also keep it fair by letting your roommate have time alone in the room too, regardless of what they want to use it for: sex with someone else, sex with themself, or even just listening to bad music.

Recommendations: A book about having sex in public without being noticed, a book about having sex outdoors, and a general book about sex in college.