How can we do BDSM and keep our relationship healthy?

My girlfriend is interested in experimenting with BDSM, and is primarily interested in being sub. It kind of turns me on too, but she has a history of self-harm and depression, and I’m concerned that her desire for me to inflict pain on her may relate to that. Should I go through with it, or refrain? Also, if we do start a dom/sub thing, how can we keep it from messing with the power dynamics of our relationship?

You shouldn’t rule it out, but you should proceed cautiously. It’s not unlikely that your girlfriend’s past desire to inflict pain on herself has something to do with her current desire for you to inflict pain on her, but this may be a more acceptable outlet for those feelings, particularly if you help ensure everything stays safe and controlled.

First though, if you haven’t talked about these concerns with her, you should do that. If you’re not able to talk reasonably through your concerns about these fantasies, you’re probably not ready to deal reasonably with the emotions of enacting them.

To keep the roles you take on during sex from determining the power dynamics of your relationship when you’re not having sex, you need to start with a clear agreement that you’re both committed to doing so. Even before that though, you need to make sure you’re on the same page, that neither of you actually does want those dynamics to enter into wider aspects of your relationship. As you start experimenting, you should keep an eye on your relationship and be prepared to call each other on it if either of you starts acting differently.

Recommendations: Three great basic books about BDSM.