How do I overcome being shy to start a relationship?

I am an intensely shy person who is smitten with anther intensely shy person. We occasionally will do things together but I simply cannot initiate the forging of a connection with this girl. What should I do? I don’t relish the prospect of giving up, so I don’t consider that an option.

Don’t give up! We went through something similar. It worked out. Eventually. Though maybe that says mixed things about our credentials for answering this question.

It’s a bit unclear what you’re looking for. Are you just hoping to spend a little more time with her, aiming to get your relationship to be emotionally closer, trying to get her in bed, or looking to start an official relationship?

Regardless, we’ve got some ideas. Of course, the most straightforward and effective thing you could do might be to just tell her how you feel. But we understand if you’re having trouble with that.

So we’d recommend you focus on tangible things you’d like to be different about your relationship. If you’d like to spend more time with her, try to spend more time with her. If you’d like to have more personal conversations with her, start more personal conversations with her. If you’d like to cuddle with her, maybe start by doing something fairly unobjectionable like giving her a hug or back massage and gauging her response.

But maybe even those things are too hard. So here are a few more specific ideas. If you want to spend more time with her, consider stopping by her room before meals to see if she wants to go with you, joining/starting a club you’re both interested in, or inviting her to do fun things, like going to the movies or a campus event, going for a walk, or baking something together.

Or if you want your relationship to get more personal, suggest games/activities that encourage people to talk about themselves, like taking the purity test together (puritytest.org). And if you need a reason to be more physically affectionate, say you’re trying to improve your massage technique and want someone to practice on. But try not to get too creepily manipulative about it all.

Having mutual friends can also be helpful. They’d give you reasons to hang out more with her and find out more about her, and they could be helpful (but also horribly annoying) if they figure out you like her.

Recommendations: A couple of general books about sex and relationships in college.

What sorts of birth control are available?

What sorts of birth control are available?

Condoms are the only contraceptive method that protects you from HIV and other STIs. They are about 87% effective in preventing pregnancy, and can also be used in conjunction with other methods.

You can also be fitted for a diaphragm, a rubber cap that fits over your cervix and is usually used in conjunction with spermicide. Diaphragms are about as effective as condoms, but are reusable.

The birth control pill can have mixed side effects, which can vary by type. If you take them every day at the same time, they are about 98% effective. With less regularity, the effectiveness drops to about 92%.

Other options are a hormonal patch, which is placed in a discreet place on the skin and changed weekly, Nuvaring, a hormone-containing ring which is inserted into the vagina monthly, or Depo Provera, a quarterly shot. These methods require less diligence than the pill, but regular use is still important. Side effects are similar to those of the pill. The ring occasionally can slip out without being noticed. The shot suppresses menstruation, but spotting is common. Used correctly, the patch and ring are 98% effective, the shot 99%.

The morning after pill (Plan B) is available if you have unprotected sex or if your condom breaks or slips. It can be used up to 72 hours after intercourse, though it is more effective if used sooner. Plan B is less effective than other methods and often causes nausea and other unpleasant side effects, so it shouldn’t be used as primary contraception.

You can also have an IUD inserted. The procedure places a small t-shaped device in the uterus. There are two IUDs available; one lasts five years and releases hormones, which thicken cervical mucous and thin the uterine lining, the other lasts ten and contains copper, which kills sperm. IUD insertion is painful, and IUDs can cause prolonged spotting, worsen cramping, or make your period irregular. The copper IUD is 99.2% effective and the hormone-releasing IUD, the most effective contraceptive on the market, is 99.8%.

College health services offices usually have a variety of these contraceptives available, along with STI screenings, often for free. Health services can also often provide information and counseling services, and refer students to local doctors and clinics for services the school can not provide, like IUD insertions and abortions, which school health plans may at least partially cover. Condoms and lubricants are also often available in other locations around campuses, like dorms.

Planned Parenthood clinics provide many of the same products and services for free or affordable prices.

Recommendations: A couple of birth control options and a book about how to practice safer sex while keeping it hot.

What is love?

What is love?

People experience love as a huge range of feelings. Rather than focusing on whether you love someone, you should focus on what you want from a relationship and if you and your partner can meet each others’ needs. If you feel pressure to say that you love someone but are confused about how you feel, considering explaining this or reflect on what saying it would really communicate to them. Would it, for example, represent a commitment you’re willing or unwilling to make?

Recommendations: One book about sex and relationships in college and one classic book about sex.

How do I bring up sex toys with my partner?

What is the best way to broach the possibility of toy play with your mate?

You should try to think of your kinks as perks rather than things that your partner needs to tolerate and to bring up to your partner in this light. You should also keep in mind that toys generally aren’t particularly weird, as far as sexual interests go, though interest in some particular toys may be a little less common.

You should try to just bring it up (“How do you feel about sex toys?”), try to find some way to bring it up casually in conversation if you can’t bring it up upfront (“Have you seen this vibrator that plugs in to an iPod and goes with the rhythm?… Doesn’t that sound like fun?”), and try to broach the subject more generally before you talk about it more specifically (“Would you use sex toys?” before “I have handcuffs in my dresser!”).

If you already have a sex toy, you could always just pull it out some time, but that’s probably more likely to put off your partner if they’re not into the idea, so be cautious with that approach.

Recommendations: A couple of sex toys you could try (there is a huge variety of sex toys available just from amazon) and a basic guide to sex toys.

What’s the difference between an STD and an STI?

What’s the difference between an STD and an STI?

STD means sexually transmitted disease while STI means sexually transmitted infection. STI is a bit more inclusive, so it a little more clearly reflects all the things one should worry about sexually transmitting.

Recommendations: Two books about STDs and one book about safer sex.

Should we get tested for STDs before we stop using condoms?

I have been in a monogamous relationship for three months, and recently went on birth control pills. I have had one (protected) partner in the past, and my partner was a virgin before our relationship. Is it safe for us to stop using condoms? Do we need to get tested for STDs first?

It sounds like it’s unlikely that either of you has an STI, which would make it okay for you to stop using condoms if you’re comfortable with how effective birth control pills alone are and you trust your partner to continue being monogamous.

It wouldn’t be a terrible idea for you to get tested, though. It’s possible that you could have gotten an STI from your previous partner despite using protection. Non-penetrative skin to skin contact, a broken condom, and contact with bodily fluids can all sometimes be enough to contract an STI.

It might also be a good idea to make sure that your current partner’s definition of “virginity” means that they have not participated in any risky activities. Anal sex is not always counted toward virginity but can certainly spread STIs. Performing oral sex on a male can also pose some risk.

Recommendations: A general book about STDs, some condoms to keep using until you get tested, and another book about STDs.

How do I know if someone notices me romantically?

How do I know if a certain girl notices me in a romantic sense rather than just teasing or being friendly?

Flirting is intentionally ambiguous. That is why it can be horribly aggravating, but that is also why it can work so well.

Escalating ambiguous affection leaves neither party awkwardly rejected, but gives both parties a chance to cool it off if they aren’t as interested as the other.

And eventually ambiguity can escalate into something less ambiguous. Even hugs and kisses can be played as friendship, but as neither person breaks off a hug and the kisses grow more frequent, a mutual recognition becomes more apparent.

If you can’t tell if she’s romantically interested, you could try flirting a little more obviously with her. If she doesn’t respond well, back off and try to be friends. If she flirts more, you’re probably in good shape.

But that’s all so complicatedly non-verbal. Why not just say something?

Also, there’s no one thing to point to that would prove it’s romantic, but it might give you a better idea if you ask a friend who’s around the two of you what it seems like to them.

Recommendations: Three books about sex and relationships on college campuses: one about the culture of hooking up, one general guide to sex and relationships, and one collection written by college students.

I have a huge crush on my roommate, what should I do?

I have a huge crush on my roommate, what should I do?

If you know that a relationship between you and your roommate is not a possibility (they are in a monogamous relationship, you are of a gender—or any other category—that they are not attracted to, you know you would not be able to handle that situation, or you’ve actually discussed it), then it’s a no-win situation that you’re just looking to make the best of.

If they don’t know, it’s rather unlikely telling them would do anything productive, unless you two are ridiculously committed to having an honest friendship or you know that they’d take it well and it would really help if you could explain why you need them to stop changing in front of you. Aside from not making it worse though, there’s not much productive you can do except patiently waiting it out.

You can try to find someone else to be attracted to, you can avoid anything particular that sets your feelings off, and you can try to put a little more distance between you and your roommate (though you shouldn’t blow them off if they’re your friend). If it’s really terrible, you could talk to an residence director and see if that’s a good enough reason to switch rooms, though then it might be hard to avoid telling your roommate what’s going on.

If a relationship is a possibility, your prospects still aren’t that great. Prying a bit without saying anything could prove that it’s not a possibility, avoiding some strife and maybe helping you get over it. Otherwise, you could not tell them, and keep suffering, or tell them, and likely just make everything awkward.

There are two possible positive solutions, though. First, they could tell you they’re not interested, but take it well, and then maybe your crush will fade. Or they could tell you the feel the same way, and you could have a wonderfully convenient relationship. But even if they do reciprocate, that’s no guarantee things will be great. Inadvertently jumping to the room-sharing phase of a relationship could make things complicated.

Recommendations: A book about living with someone you’re in a relationship with (if it might come to that) and two general guides to sex and relationships in college.

How can I make my long distance relationship work?

What are some helpful tips you can give to someone trying to make a long distance relationship work?

A lot of advice for making long distance relationships work is the same as advice for making all relationships work, but long distance relationship often exacerbate stress, making it more important to foresee and deal with problems.

First, figure out what you need and want from each other. How often do you need to be in touch? Do you need to hear their voice every day? Are you remaining monogamous? Are you going to get horribly jealous if they hang out with friends of the opposite sex? Do you feel like you need to know where they are all the time? Do you need to know everything going on in your absence?

Then, figure out what it’s possible for you to give each other. Compromise. Needing to know where someone is all the time and getting jealous if they hang out with friends of the opposite sex probably isn’t reasonable. Wanting to talk every day on the phone might be. Try to be generous with your time but considerate of theirs: remember that they need to sleep and eat, get their work done, and socialize with others.

Mutual trust is also important. It’s not healthy even when you’re together, but it’s impossible to keep perfect track of someone when you’re apart. Of course, being trustful goes along with being trustworthy. You shouldn’t do things you always shouldn’t do, like cheat or lie.

But you should also try not to give your partner any reason to worry. If you tell them you’ll call at a certain time, call them then. If who you’re hanging out with changes unexpectedly, tell them before it slips out.

Both partners should understand that things change over time. Expecting that your partner will not change at all when you are gone is unrealistic. When you’re apart, you both may make new friends, develop new habits, or speak somewhat differently.

Skype is also a wonderful thing. Skype is a voice (and video) chat program you can download for free. If you both have microphones and internet, you can call each other for free. If only one of you has Skype, you can also call land lines for rather cheap. Waiit.com is also a resource for people in long distance relationships.

Recommendations: A long distance relationship survival guide, webcams, and a general book on college relationships.

What are alternative menstrual products?

What are alternative menstrual products?

Many people find tampons and disposable pads uncomfortable. Some have allergies to chemicals used in the manufacturing process while others are worried about toxic shock syndrome (associated with tampons, not pads). Many are bothered by the drying caused by tampons and the diaper feeling of wearing a pad.

Others have no problems like these but are concerned with the environmental waste produced by the manufacture and disposal of tampons and pads. Disposable pads and tampons are also expensive over time. But several alternatives are available.

Cloth pads look a lot like disposable pads, but can be washed and reused. They are made from soft, absorbent materials, and usually backed with a water resistant material to prevent leaks. Wearing a cloth pad can still feel bulky, but because they are not plastic, they do not feel like diapers. Most people find that cloth pads do not smell as strongly as disposable pads while remaining just as absorbent.

Many people are discouraged by the extra care required. To keep pads unstained, they should be soaked in cold water after use, but they can then be thrown in a washing machine and dried in a drier. If staining is not a concern, they can go straight in the washing machine.

Many people on www.etsy.com sell pads in a variety of cute patterns for a few dollars each. Though this costs more at first, cloth pads usually last for several years, so they end up costing significantly less than disposable pads. Alternately, you could make some with scraps of fabric for free. The internet is full of patterns.

Sea sponge tampons are essentially reusable tampons. A sponge is inserted into the vagina, left for several hours, removed, rinsed out, and reinserted. Boiling at the end of a cycle kills bacteria. They typically last about six months before needing to be replaced. They’re usually sold in packs of two for $10 to $15 each, and can be purchased online. Some people have gotten toxic shock syndrome with sea sponge tampons.

A menstrual cup is a bell-shaped silicone or rubber cup which is inserted into the vagina and catches menstrual blood. It holds approximately 20mL of fluid, where the average woman loses 35mL of fluid during an entire period. It is recommended that the menstrual cup be emptied and cleaned every twelve hours, and most people do not need to empty it more frequently than that. DivaCup is a popular silicone cup in the United States.

Menstrual cups are not absorbent, so they do not cause a dry feeling, and can be inserted in anticipation of a period without causing discomfort. No cases of menstrual cups causing toxic shock syndrome have ever been reported.

Menstrual cups have a circumference of approximately two inches, and while they are folded smaller for insertion, women who are not sexually active may have a difficult time. Also, menstrual cups don’t come with applicators, so insertion requires that you put your fingers in your vagina while menstruating, which some women aren’t okay with.

Menstrual cups cost $30 and last for about ten years if properly cared for, making them very cost effective. A number of other cups are available, so it might be worth doing some research. Cups also all come in sizes for women who have given birth and women who haven’t, something to pay attention to when purchasing one.

Health food stores and co-ops that carry environmentally friendly and new age products may be likely to have these kinds of products, though their prices are sometimes very expensive.

Recommendations: Three alternative menstrual products, all reusable and all available from amazon.